A song got in my head this morning, a song I haven't thought about in a long time, which reminded me of a long time ago when I first heard that song and it latched itself onto a rough experience. And man, the emotions came RIGHT BACK. Nevermind it was more than 10 years ago.
There's another song I'll never listen to again, and it's attached to TWO horrible experiences. It's a black hole of a song. If I could bury it deep in the earth I would.
I can't entirely bring myself to listen to Sufjan Stevens anymore, but I'm sort of coming around. It reminds me of hard stuff, too, but I don't want to be alienated from the emotions of years and years of my life.
I remember when my grandpa died, when I was in 5th grade, and we had all just watched Beaches recently, and had the soundtrack. We drove the thousand miles to Colorado, and I don't remember the trip. It's like we drove directly to the wake, because I remember seeing my grandpa in the casket and I just remember the tears flowing, I don't remember them starting. Like in a big bang. I also remember that I had no idea I would cry. I hadn't made any plans. Every single one of my siblings and cousins played in another room.
Which I'm just now realizing makes sense. If I cried, as a 5th grader, for my poor grandpa, who had been very ill, and whom I loved, but didn't know all that well… it makes sense how I reacted to putting down my dog. Dear God, don't anyone die ever again ever.
But we listened to the Beaches soundtrack on the way home and the sadder songs from it will always be the songs of the sorrow from that trip, encasing my inability to understand what sadness had happened, but still reminding me that it was sad.
Damn songs that encase my sadness.
At least there are other ones that bring me joy. Even when they are also attached to hard things! Okay, those don't bring me, like, bliss, but I do smile. Partly from the memory, partly from my gratitude that I can still enjoy the song.
Note I didn't mention any songs. I don't know if it would matter. But here they are: Everybody's Stalking/Fall in a River Badly Drawn Boy, Alone But Moving Here We Go Magic, The Only Living Boy in New York, Simon & Garfunkel.
I'll avoid certain music. No point in adding sadness to life, when there's plenty you can't control already.
I bring this up because maybe everyone has sad songs. I think I'll write a song called Sad Song. There's probably an infinity already. Duh, Arwen.