This is pretty much my life right now. Except for dressing up like this. (I must note that the dress, and its drapeyness, makes me look bigger than I am. Allow me this vanity.) I mostly have been wearing black, because my thrifting for maternity clothes has just led me mostly to the plus-size sections, or as Value World puts it, and this is my favorite - "Queens". I DO NOT LIKE MOST MATERNITY CLOTHES. Probably because I don't like most new clothes. I admit it, though I'm sure this is no great surprise. And, well, I haven't bought any; $5 here, $5 there, I seem to be doing fine at thrift stores, so far. But as it's hard to find striking bold garments in a size and shape that won't make me feel like a circus tent (though that time is coming, and when I get right down to it, looking like a circus sounds pretty motherflipping awesome), at least in my price range ($5; have no will to shell out anything major for clothes that I will not get much wear out of), I will stick to black, because I always have loved, and always will love, BLACK.
My life is also about my smile in this pic, because I am grateful and joyful and, well, tired. I've had many reasons in my life to smile like this, some still present, some not as present, but this is a new one, and a gift. Like all joy is a gift, of course. But I walk around not by myself. And most all of my efforts center around this - not, as in I am suddenly de-focused on what interested me before. Not the case at all. Teaching, writing, teachingwritingteachingwriting, the daily interests of living - just as interesting as before. I just have a stronger, more complete sense of where things are going. I knew, in the very very very back of my head and heart, that I needed this - I knew this for awhile, but I was not ready to make this leap, on many many levels. I'm glad I'm a "geriatric pregnancy" (ha) in that I know myself and have been through quite a bit, and have done many of the things I wanted to do, and have (hopefully) laid groundwork for more things I want to do - so it makes me feel highly laid-back about developing a new person and then being a parent to a new person. I used to be very afraid of mommy culture - not in that I would get sucked up into it, but that being a mom would automatically make me into someone I'm not, even if just in little, encroaching ways. And when I say mommy culture, I only mean the culture of mommies who judge, and who willingly or unknowingly get consumed by the idea of perfection, or develop intense insecurity from comparisons and great fear of failure. I know that these things are normal impulses and reactions to human life, mommy life - it's just the extreme versions of them, to the point of pathology, dysfunction, that have made me uncomfortable in that past. Now I just eye them with very, very mild wariness. Not for fear, but more for amusement and curiosity.
And there are some playwriting books on the floor next to me. ;) You can't see him, but Ted is all wrapped up and cozy near my leg. He's been less crabby lately, due to factors semi-unknown; we've been treating him for mites, poor guy, and also added another food to his blend. He's chilled out, except when he gets mad and turns into a Ball of Hate and Wrath. Which is still cute and funny, if painful to the touch (literally - those spikes are just straight-up needles). I'm so glad we got him. He has filled in the cracks. I need a pet. I just do.
Playwriting class continues to teach me sublime-but-still-epic lessons of craft, which I'm looking forward to practicing myself, but also in how they will inform my dramaturgy and further teaching. I just can't loose myself of playwriting. Not that I was trying, but I do get worn out sometimes, by the difficulties of getting work into the world. And the dysfunction in the field - playwriting and theatre. Though I very much understand that dysfunction is in every field. But it can still wear me out. I'm happy to seek out the functional aspects, such as pitching ideas to trusted colleagues, and talking craft and plays with friends. I need to read more plays, along with craft books - I'm working on my survey of craft books, just to see what else is out there, but to also pick up strategies and exercises that might unlock the trickier processes (subtext, escalation...).
And it's spring. Which means I can open my office window and it will smell like all things new. (Well, soon. Yesterday was like that, and today it is chilly again. But the birds were singing when I woke up. And I don't think it will snow anymore.) While I am extremely fond of my, ahem, couch office, I also love my office-office. And chewing on ideas. And BASKING IN PINK. And wearing black. ;)